Tough Men Dress in Pink
by zwn
Summary: ...or the one with Sirius new pants. Marauder-era. Sirius' POV. Oneshot. Humor.


**Name: Though Men Dress in Pink.  
Author: Zirrow  
Genre: Humor  
Disclaimer: You all know this; I don't own Harry Potter  
****Rating: None  
A/N: I would just like to say that I do NOT have ANYTHING against homosexual people! And also, if you read it - review and make my day! I'm also aware of the fact that this is one weird story, that might be in need of a good beta. (so if you're up to it..) **

* * *

**TOUGH MEN DRESS IN PINK**_**  
**__ or, the one with Sirius__'__ new pants_

When this story takes it's beginning four young boys are sleeping peacefully. Well, one of them are sleeping _really _peacefully, the others are rather disturbed by the forth boy's abnormally loud snoring.  
The smarter one of the boys - although you mightn't be able to tell at this point, when they are all sleeping - have put a Silencing Charm on his bed, to keep out the dragon-like sound of boy number four's snoring.  
The other two boys keep twisting and turning, having nightmares about creatures roaring while feasting on human-flesh. However that is just a, rather qualified, guess. For all we now, they might as well be dreaming about glittery rainbows and pink candyfloss.

The forth boy ("the snorer") is laying flat on his back with his sheet beneath him and the t-shirt he has been sleeping in (until he removed it in his sleep) in a firm grip. So with his chubby stomach showing, and drool streaming steadily down his cheek - hi is not making a very pretty picture.  
What does this have to do with the, kind of strange, title, you might ask? Well, wonder no more dear readers! I was simply informing you how the central characters of the story you so desperately long to read, look like when they sleep. Not so important to you, perhaps - but I'll have you know that during the hours we are asleep our bodies practically radiate our personalities! (Hence, boy number four aren't really graceful when he's conscious either.)

Just when the sun is about to rise the chubby boy/boy number four/the snorer/Peter awakes - and since he's suffering from a full bladder he hurries to the toilet. Not being very discreet he manages to wake the two boys who weren't smart enough to put Silencing Charms on their beds.  
Peter doesn't notice this however, (when does he ever notice anything?) and continues to the Rescue of his Living Nightmare. (The rescue being the toilet, the living nightmare being the fact that he has to pee.)  
Just when Peter gives a sigh of relief, the two other boys fall asleep. This time properly, without being disturbed by Peters snoring. And why is that? Well, Peter being Peter - he didn't quite make it back to the bed before falling asleep again - so now, there his is, laying on the bathroom floor.

Several hours later (the exact time unknown to both you and me) four alarm clocks rings at the exact same time. The boy who I earlier referred to as the 'smart one' - Remus, I believe his is real name - immediately wakes up, and turn the clock of with a groan.  
The other two boys keeps on sleeping, without as much as flinching.  
Neither does Peter, seeing as he's sound asleep on the other side of a soundproof door.  
Remus, being used to this (well, maybe not the podgy boy in the bathroom - though it has happened before - but the fact that his friends continues sleeping), gets up and gently wakes his friends. With bold letters on **gently. **  
If he was a muggle he would most-likely be using a bucket of water - but since he's a wizard there's no need to use anything other then his wand. It still has the same effect.

"WHAT THE HELL?"

"URRGH, ATTACK!"

The two soaked boys jumps out of their beds quicker then it takes for you to blink, staring murderously at their friend.

"You better have a hell good of an explanation to have woken me up using this drastic, _evil _measure!" stated the taller of the two, water dripping from his black hair.

_  
_"Why, Moony? Don't you think you torture us enough with all of this 'you got to make your own homework' shit? Now I can't even _sleep _without getting cruelly interrupted by.."

"Yes I'm really sorry for interrupting the not-at-all-important or significant, most likely very-stupid-and-childish dream of yours. What was it about this time? Unicorns and polka-dotted stars?" sighed Remus.

"No, I was dreaming about glittery rainbows and pink candyfloss" shouted an indignant Sirius. (Ah, how accurate one can be. Never mind the fact that I wrote this shit.)

"Anyway, who are _you _to tell _me_ what I may or may not have dreamed about?" huffed Sirius, "now, I might have dreamed about a tea party with teddy bears last night, but does _not _give you the right to offend me like… _hey, _where's Pete?"

"Probably in the bathroom" said James with a solemn nod, his shirt put on backwards.

"PETER!" Sirius and Remus shouted in unison, James making an effort by throwing a shoe at the bathroom door.

A couple of minutes later the Marauders made their way down the staircase. And in remarkable five minutes they were all seated at the Gryffindor-table. (Oh, the things hunger can make us capable off.) Peter was busy stuffing his face with bacon, while Sirius buttered his toast with extreme thoroughness (the butter is supposed to cover the _whole _upperpart of the toast, otherwise it'll taste way to dry. And you can't put on _to much _butter either, because then it will taste nothing _but _butter. So, it really is an art.) Anyhow, they were all busy eating - in their own strange ways, when Lily Evans (the girl with red hair that we all know and adore) sat down next to James.

"God morning" she greeted them, sending Remus a smile and Peter a well-disguised disgusted look and a almost-genuine-looking smile. She really is a good actress, so no one of the Marauders noticed her dislike to Peter. (Then how did I manage to detect it, you ask? Well, again - I wrote it, I'll do whatever I want. **Take that**!) But how many people like Peter anyway? His mum doesn't count.

"Hello" they all answered, some of them with food in their mouths (this being Peter and Sirius) and some of them not (being Remus and James)

"Professor Flitwick is sick so we don't have Charms today" she announced.

"Really?" said Sirius, "that's so cool! I dreamed that we didn't have Charms today"

"No you didn't" said Remus, rolling his eyes "You dreamed about.."

"Quiet" hissed Sirius.

'Glittery rainbows and pink candyfloss' Remus mimed the last part.

"Well she doesn't have to know that" whispered Sirius in a very indiscreet way, causing Lily to furrow her brows.

Sirius gave an apologetic laugh and continued buttering his toast. (Yes, he's still on that)

"Anyway, it's the last class of the day, so I'm going to catch up on some studying, want to join me?" she asked James, her _boyfriend._

_"_Erh, well, you know.." James eyes flickered nervously between Sirius and Remus, silently pleading for help, "not that I wouldn't _love _that, but, uhm, you see.. Remus and I made plans to.. And Sirius, you know, Peter.. We kind of thought we'd. Uhm.."

"He'd love to study with you" Remus said with a smile.

James stared at him wide-eyed, mouth opening and closing repeatedly.

"Great" Lily smiled, "why don't you come too, Remus? I'm getting the feeling that James will need '_a bit_' of help with the Herbology, and I really don't have time.."

"Sure, I'll come" Remus shrugged.

"Thanks!" Lily beamed and got up, "I've got to go know, see you guys in class"

Once she had left James started bumping his head in the table muttering a word with every bump.

"Mean… Evil… Vicious… Betraying… Bloody… Stupid… Bastard… Idiot"

"Take it easy there, Prongs, you wouldn't want an ugly scar in the middle of your forehead" said Sirius.

James looked up and pointed at Remus with a frustrated look.

"You! _You! _I loath you! I **hate **you! I detest you! How could you, Moony!? It's Friday! _Friday,_ god damn it! And I'm forced to study! It's sick.. It's, it's.. wrong!"

"Breath, Prongs" said Remus and rolled his eyes once more, "it's not the end of the world, besides both Lily and I will be there and.."

"That's right you will be there!" shouted James, "and I will make you _suffer!_"

"That's great, Prongs" sighed Remus, "but we really got to go know, so if you would finish.." he said turned to Peter, who had just put even _more _bacon in his mouth.

"Go ahead, I'll come after in a few seconds" Peter said. (or at least that's what _I_ think he said. You know, he had his mouth full of bacon and the bacon can't really speak _for _him so it probably was a rather disgusting sight.)

"Okay, see you later Wormy"

"I can't believe you managed to land yourself in detention!" Sirius said with a dramatic sigh, throwing himself in one of the common-room couches, "and you two are going to study with Evans, I'm all alone. On a Friday! What, God, _what _have I done to deserve this? Was it the cheese-incident last year? 'cause I swear I did not aim on Longbottom! Or did I kill a bug in an earlier life or something? I can't help that!"

"Sirius!" shouted James, interrupting Sirius self-pitying, "I'm forced to study! On a Friday! I probably killed Godric Gryffindor himself in my earlier life!"

"You want to know what your problem is, Prongs?" asked Sirius, ignoring the frantic shouts of '**no**'s and '**please god, don****'****t**'s erupting from Remus, James and Peters mouths, he continued, "you're letting your woman control you! You have to show her who's the man! See, if you're in a relationship too long the girl gets committed, and that's when she starts thinking that _she__'__s _in control. That, my friends, is the reason I don't stay in relationships too long!"

"No Sirius, the reason you don't stay in relationships 'too long' is because you don't know how to capture a woman's heart" said James wisely.

"Oh, and I suppose you do?" snorted Sirius scornfully, "Mr It-took-me-five-years-to-get-a-girl-I-like"

"Hey! At least I got her in the end" shouted James, jumping out of his chair pointing accusingly at Sirius "you liked Rebecca for a year, and you had to give up on her! _I _never gave up on my girl, and _I _got my girl!"

"But you wont for much longer if you _let her take control_" said Sirius, obviously believing that he had made a good point.

"_I DO NOT LET HER TAKE CONTR-__"_

"Would you just, please, shut up already!" cried an angry Remus, "James let Lily take control in their relationship, Sirius doesn't know how to keep a girl - WE GET IT!"

Protests immediately followed Remus statement. Sirius and James both screamed bloody murderer, trying to defend themselves and their masculinity. (hah!) And that's when Lily walked into the room.

"Hi Remus, Peter, Sirius - you look awfully red in the face" she sat down and pulled James with her, "honey" she said giving him a peck on the cheek.

"So, are we going to go to he library or what?" she asked with a smile.

Remus nodded and got up, walking briskly to the portrait whole.

"Come on! We don't want to waste or time here, if we hurry we'll be able to study even longer" he said seriously, with a innocent look that might have fooled Lily - but didn't fool James (nor me, for that matter) who walked behind Lily with a look that looked like it belonged to a criminal sentenced to death. (Although, in James eyes, this was a tad worse.)

"And I'm off to detention" muttered Peter, pouting like a little baby (but with large front teeth, hint to side-burns, and a lot of ugly, blonde hair.)

"No, Pete, don't leave me here, don't.." Sirius trailed of as his eyes followed a girl from fifth year who walked pass them.

"Something tells me you're going to be okay" said Peter with a roll of his eyes, "and I don't really want a detention for being late to my detention which I got for being late.. If you know what I mean"

"Of course I know what you mean" said Sirius pompously "because I am so much smarter then you" he added. (fortunately Peter was already halfway out of the portrait whole, 'cause he really doesn't need any lower self-esteem)

Sirius turned around, after a good five minutes monolog (most likely about himself) and noticed the departure of his friend. He shrugged and turned around with his trademark smirk on and sauntered over to the group of girls in the corner of the common room.

"Hello, ladies" he said, winking at the only brunette in the group, this however wasn't retorted with the regular blush and giggle.

"Black, you've already snogged me - and ditched me - as well as you've snogged and ditched Marie-Louise, Joan and Annie" she said, gesturing towards the rest of the group.

'Aouch, didn't see that one coming' said a little voice inside of Sirius head.  
'Just walk away before they get angry, and go pick up some girl from Hufflepuff'  
'No you should apologize to them, and try to chat one of them up again'

"You know this whole 'devil and angel on the shoulders'-thing?" he asked the girls, without waiting for a reply he continued, "yeah, my angel is a vicious bitch, so no wonder I'm evil."

The girls stared at him,

"No wonder you're single either" he muttered to himself when he walked away.

Taking the easy way out, he simply left the common room. That way he didn't have to spend the night in with the uncomfortable knowledge that Marie, Louise and Joannie (or whatever their names were) was looking at him, and he didn't have to die of boredom for being alone in their dormitory.

After twenty minutes of aimless wandering he found himself in front of the statue who he knew revealed a passage that would take him to the basement of Honeydukes. (This is where I use the same sentence again) After another twenty minutes of aimless wandering, although this time in Hogsmead, he found himself in front of a shop he had never seen before. According to the sign above the door it was called 'Dress for Success - Wizard/Muggle clothes'.  
Seeing as it was six o'clock on a Friday afternoon - and he didn't really have something better to do, now did he? - Sirius took the decision to enter the small shop.

(Now! After SIX pages font face Candara, Size twelve - I've finally reached the story! Six pages of rambling about this and that and totally unimportant things - we're finally here!)

The small shop turned out to be.. Not so small. It was divided in two, half of the store was covered in all kinds of wizarding-robes and dresses, while the other half was filled with muggle clothing. Having enough robes to keep him warm for the next centuries, Sirius skipped happily to the muggle clothes.  
The lady who hade been placed behind the counter when he arrived was at his side in an instant.

"Hello, Dear, I'm Nancy" she informed him "I see you're interested in muggle clothing? Anything in particular that you're looking for?" beamed Nancy.

"Nah, I'm just looking around" said Sirius with a shrug.

"Oh, of course, I'll be behind the counter, if you want anything just ask!" and she was gone with a 'swosh'.

Sirius spent the next ten minutes looking around, finding one weird garment after the other. After looking through the muggle-part of the store meticulously, twice, he brought four pair of trousers, five t-shirts, five sweaters and two scarves to Nancy.

"We're can I find the fitting room?" he asked her politely, with the face of an angel.

"Right over there, dear" she said pointing towards the corner of the shop, without lifting her eyes from the magazine she was reading.

"Thank you" said Sirius, and strutted over - winking at a middle-aged, rather corpulent lady who became even redder in the face.

He entered one of the fitting rooms (obviously, he wasn't going to strip in the middle of the store) and tried some of the t-shirts. All of them fitting perfectly on his-

"Muscular, perfectly beautiful torso" Sirius said, admiring himself in the mirror, before trying on one of the sweaters.

He was just about to put on a pair of the jeans, when out of the pile of clothes it fell a pair of trousers he _most definitely _hadn't picked out. And why was Sirius so sure he hadn't picked them out? Well, dear readers, the trousers were _pink. _  
And as weird as he might be, he wouldn't go so far to actually buy _pink _trousers. (At least that's what he thinks, -evil laugh-) But, he was however weird enough to put said trousers on - you know, '_just to see if they fit__'_.  
Which they did. In fact, they fitted so well, Sirius just couldn't leave the shop without buying them. I mean, they made his butt look-

"Heavenly, perfectly gorgeous"

(Hey, don't ask _me_ about the weird, self-flattering comments. It's Sirius who's talking… -mutters-)

He stood for another thirty minutes admiring himself in every angle, before finally realising that if he spent any more time in here Nancy would think he had fallen asleep in there. Or she would just assume he was very self-obsessed. (Which he of course was, but he didn't need to go around flaunting it. )

"Hello again, Dear" greeted Nancy with a smile once he emerged from the fitting rooms, "found anything you liked?"

"Yes, I actually did" said Sirius with a nod.

"Oh, don't sound so surprised" scolded Nancy with a slight smile "Muggle outfits are actually really.. What do you youngsters say? They're really .. Hip"

Sirius didn't, like any other teenager would have done, look at her oddly, or corrected her, or thought ironically to himself 'gosh, _there__'_s a woman who's keeping up with the times'. No, instead he merely agreed.

"Yeah, they're hip alright!"

Because believe it or not, Sirius does say that kind of things. And it's not like he ever listens to James or Remus when they try to tell him that '_it__'__s just not cool!_' No, no, no - he HAS to keep going with "no, it's not cool at all - it's **hip**". Peter even yelled at him once, 'the hip's a body part, you moron!', but that's a different story. ( And I'm not gonna' tell it. Nananananana! -sticks out tongue-)

"So, let's see.. That's two.. Three t-shirts, and this one sweater - nice choice - and a scarf, and.. Oh, I see you're going to buy the pink trousers! I must tell you, I though I'd never get to sell them! They're bought in from America, apparently they called it 'Pinky Pants' in the '_Witty Wiz-Store, Now With Muggle Clothes_'. Although, the seller did tell me" she cut her self of when Sirius coughed and gave the clock on the wall a meaning look.

"Right, insert reasonable prize galleons please!" she said with a large smile that showed all of her perfect teeth.

Sirius handed over the money, and grabbed the two bags which were stuffed with his clothing. Eager to get back to the castle he almost-ran the whole way through hogsmead towards Honey dukes - where he bought some chocolate frogs to chare with his fellow marauders, Remus mainly - he sneaked down to the basement, hurried through the passage and kept almost-running all the way to the portrait of the Fat Lady.

"Password" she sang out when he came to an abrupt halt in front of her.

"Oh, right, Unicornblood, right?" he asked, not too sure about the password (the password is Remus thing to remember)

The fat Lady sighed in disappointment.

"Yes, yes - of course it's right. One would think that the students would forget it at least once in a while, but no, no, no. 'Let's keep the fat lady bored and remember the password all the time!' _That__'__s a great idea, isn__'__t it?!_"

Sirius stared at her.

"Erh, right, are you going to let me in, or..?"

"Of course I'm going to let you in" she snapped, "you got the password right, didn't you?" she said, swinging the portrait up with a huff.

Sirius hurried in, not wanting to experience anymore of the fat ladies wrath.

"Boy, does she need company" he muttered to himself, passing the girls he had earlier (un-intentionally) insulted. Immediately unpleasant pictures of the fat lady and the fat friar came to his mind, shuddering he ran up the stairs to their dormitory.

There waited a rather pleasant surprise.

"Moony! Prongs!" he shouted as he happily flung himself at his friends who were calmly playing a game of chess, "I thought I wouldn't see you again! I thought that the Pure Evil of the Library had taken you and was never to return you to its-"

"We get it, Pads, your happy to see us" grinned James, "now move, I was just about to beat Remus"

"As if" muttered Sirius, rolling his eyes at the stupidity of his friend. (Yes, Sirius is so stupid that he doesn't realise that he is stupid, but instead believes that his friends are stupid. Did you get that? You're stupid.)

"Wormy's not back yet, huh?" Sirius asked, sitting down on his bed and began looking through his bags.

"No, but he should be back soon" Remus told him, intensely watching James trying to decide a move.

"Would you stop staring? You're making me nervous" said James.

"I know" nodded Remus, "you don't think I do it for the fun of it, do you?"

"Hey, that's a cheap trick"

"Is not. At least not cheaper then 'look behind you, a flying pig!' "

"I wasn't serious!" said James, trying to defend himself "and I know you almost turned over to look" he added in a dark mumble.

"Guys, stop with this immature, stupid conversation, and do something of importance instead"

James and Remus stared at him for a minute, before laughing tauntingly at him - in a very friendly way, of course.

"Like what, Padfoot?" asked James.

"Well, you could check out the clothes I bought today in Hogsmead" beamed Sirius.

"You were alone a Friday afternoon, so you went… shopping?" said James, "Merlin, Sirius, you're _such_ a girl"

"Am not!" said Sirius offended, "anyway, you want me to try it on so you can see how it looks on my muscular, hot, to-die-for body?"

(again; I'm not the one with the weird, self-flattering comments)

"Sure Pads, go ahead. I've been thinking about nothing but your - uhm, what did you call it? - 'muscular, hot, to-die-for body' since I woke up this morning" said James sarcastically, rolling his eyes.

"Wow, Prongs, I've been waiting for you to come out of the closet - but this was a bit much" said Peter, who had just stepped in.

"What? No! It was.. Oh, never mind, just shut up, will you?" he said throwing a pillow Peters way.

"Sure, Sirius - go ahead and try them on" said Remus, silencing Peter who was just about to reply.

"Okay" Sirius said, beaming like the sun itself. (Himself? Maybe the sun's a guy? Or a girl? Herself? Never mind, the sun's probably genderless. Why do I bother? Ignore this.)

When he, a couple of minutes later, showed up in the door wearing a pair of pink trousers the room became dead quiet. Remus was suppressing a laugh, Peter coughed and James stared without moving - or even blink.

"Soo?" asked Sirius eagerly, "what do you think?" he said, spinning around.

"Well.." Remus began, but stopped himself in time to not the laughter escape.

"It's.. uhm, different" decided Peter.

"Definitely" Remus agreed.

Sirius kept beaming, and turned to James - who still hadn't moved.

"Prongs, what do you think?"

"I think.. You should be happy nobody knows about them. Now we can throw them away and pretend it never happened" James finally said.

Sirius stared at him.

"What, why would I do _that_?"

"Mate, I'm fine with you being gay and all - but I am _not_ letting you wear pink trousers. Na-ah, no way"

"What?! I'm not gay!" screeched Sirius.

"You're not?" James furrowed his eyebrows, "then why the pink trousers?"

"Because it makes my behind look delicious!" hissed Sirius.

"Riiight, okay, you're not gay - still not gonna' let you wear pink trousers. Sorry, amigo" said James with a shrug.

"Sorry amigo? _Sorry amigo? _Don't you 'sorry amigo' me, you little git!" said Sirius in an abnormally loud voice, waving his arms above his head in a very dramatic gesture.

"Sirius, take a breath, 'kay?"

"I can't believe you think my trousers are ugly" said Sirius with a pout, throwing himself across Remus bed.

"Better hear it from us now then from somebody else later" said Remus, being the over-intelligent bastard he is. (In a good way, of course)

"But they're so cool" whined Sirius (no, scratch that, Blacks do not _whine_ - he simply stated, okay?)

"Okay, fine, don't throw them away" said James, "but you are _not _allowed to wear them in public"

Sirius snorted.

"What are you? My mum?"

"No, but my mum is practically your mum, so I'd better shut it if I were you - 'cause we both know my mum does whatever I want her to do, and since my mum was practically your mum that means that your mum will do whatever I want her to do!"

Sirius stared at him, as did Remus and Peter. All three looking slightly confused.

"Okay, I didn't get that. But fine, I'm not going to wear the coolest pair of trousers ever in public" Sirius sulked.

"Thank you" said James with a final nod.

"They're gorgeous, though" muttered Sirius, "makes me look like a god.."

Both James and Remus rolled their eyes, while Peter seemed to didn't know what he should do.

"Pinky Pants in the Witty Wiz-Store, apparently, very popular I bet. Nancy liked them.." he continued muttering.

"I don't even want to know.." stated Remus, shaking his head.

* * *

**Six o****'****clock, Friday night, Grimauld Place, **1995

"Oh sweet Merlin, save me" yelled Remus, staring terrified at his friend, who was grinning like the madman he was.

"Yep, that's right" beamed Sirius, "_I found them_!!"

What are 'them', you wonder? Well, you silly reader - you really should be able to figure it out yourself. But since I'm the nice, warm, caring person I am - I will tell you.  
Sirius was holding, more like waving in front of his best friend in triumph, his old pair of trousers. His favourite Pinky Pants!!

"No, no, no, _no!_" cried Remus, covering his face, "I thought I would never have to see them again, I thought that at least that Pure Evil Piece of Cloth was gone forever - but nooo!" said Remus miserably, then he turned his face upwards with an angry look on his face, "there is no god!" he hissed.

Sirius however kept beaming like an idiot.

"I can't believe I found them!" he sang, dancing around with the trousers in a firm grip.

"All this alone time isn't good for you" Remus pointed out, with an I-think-I'm-going-to-be-sick look on his already pale face.

"Bah, who cares" smiled Sirius, "I've got my lovely pair of trousers back!" he said excitedly.

"Well - you still can't wear them in public" Remus reminded him.

Sirius rolled his eyes.

"What public? I'm not allowed outside, am I?" he muttered.

"Well, that's true of course. But you can't wear them in front of Molly either, and since she spends a lot of time here nowadays.."

"What?" yelled Sirius, "who says I can't wear them in front of Molly? There's no rule saying I can't wear them in front of her!"

"No, but her reaction probably wont be the best" Remus pointed out.

"Oh" said Sirius with an understanding pout.

"Not that she's an homophobe or something, but.."

"I'M NOT GAY!"

* * *

**Fin. **


End file.
